Avocado-Fig Smoothie

Come, let us visit Morocco. (Many of you have come this way with me before, but let us go again. You need a vacation.) Morocco will enchant the visitor. The mesmerizing medinas, the marvelous markets, the daunting desert, the oracular ocean, the alluring alliteration, the capacity of street vendors to hassle you in ten different European languages, and so on. When the visitor needs a break from enchantment, however, the visitor needs to obtain an Avocado Fig-Smoothie.

The Avocado-Fig Smoothie is the ideal amalgam of sweet, rich, and light. Once you find the raw ingredients, creation comes at the press of a blender button. 

Avocado-Fig Smoothie (serves 2)

1 ripe avocado

2 cups cow's milk (or almond milk, or vanilla whey protein and water)

6 figs (preferably canned or dried, or even a few dollops of fig jam)

pinch salt

sugar/honey to taste

Directions
1. Remove the avocado from its protective casing in the manner of your choice.

2. If your figs are dried, please mince them with a sharp knife -- especially if your blender is not cutting edge. (Do not waste fresh figs in this recipe; eat them alone, or with close friends.)

3. Put all ingredients except sugar in the blender. Blend until thick. 

4. Add pinch of salt. Add sugar/honey to taste. (Melt the honey first or face disappointment.) Blend again.

5. If too thick, add more milk. Stir with ice to chill.

Now visit Morocco with your mouth. Please take your friends with you.

My Cooking Secret

You may have my cooking secret. Go ahead. Take it: soy sauce and balsamic vinegar. Together. At the same time. In everything. Can you say "umami"? I can.

Soy Sauce - Balsamic Vinegar (serves always)

soy sauce

balsamic vinegar

Need a salad dressing? Do not bother measuring the moutarde de Dijon and whisking it until you hurt. Combine a splash of soy sauce, a splash of balsamic vinegar, a pinch of salt and pepper, and the oil of your choice.

Need a marinade for your tofu or steak? Toss together equal parts soy and balsamic, some olive oil, garlic, spices and herbs, and you are set.

Need a dessert? Look elsewhere.

Idiot's Recipe: Acorn Sqash Dessert

Acorn squash is nutritious, delicious, and makes the perfect dessert. Acorn squash is one of my favorite parts of winter. Even if you are an idiot, you can succeed at making an amazing Idiot's Acorn Squash Dessert. Except if you are in Cape Town and no one seems to have it anywhere. Wistfully I share with you my dead-easy recipe, which I have written to emulate how I would have liked recipes to read when I first started cooking:

Idiot's Acorn Squash Dessert (serves 2)
one (1) acorn squash
two lumps of brown sugar
some aluminum foil
some vegetable oil
some butter or else olive oil
a baking sheet

1. Obtain squash from farmer's market, store, or other squash-obtaining location. Pick out a good one. You will know which one to pick for it will call your name. Hold them up to your ear one by one. Do you hear it? If not, find one that is not too light; not too big; and both green and orange in color. Call its name. It will answer. (Note: This may involve an exchange of money, so bring your wallet or other money-conveyance mechanism.)

2. Regard squash quizzically. Marvel at its compact deliciousness. Ponder how it might have been the ball for a very strange ancient sport. Invent this sport. Play this sport. Be careful not to drop the squash -- at least not on the cat. Again.

3. Set your oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit, or 200 Celsius. Choose one. If your oven measures temperature in kelvin, you may be in the science lab; go home and start your cooking there. (Speaking of ovens -- you do have an oven, right? I know, I know -- I did not list it in the ingredients section, so you might not have thought to pick one up at the store. In a pinch, visit a neighbor's house and borrow their oven.)

4. Cut the squash in half. This ordinarily requires the use of a sharp knife and the application of a modicum of force. Take appropriate safety precautions (e.g., safety goggles; chain-mail gloves; and finding someone else to do it).

5. Remove seeds from squash. Place them in a bowl. Blindfold a young cousin. Tell him you are growing alien organs in your spare time for fun and profit. Stick his hand in the bowl. Share the amusement with the entire family.

6. Coat the cleaned squash halves with some vegetable oil. The insides of the squash. The fleshy bit. Not the outside. You do not want to eat that. Okay, fine, I will speak for myself on that one.

7. Place squash halves cut side down on the aluminum foil. Place this foil on your baking sheet. (What is that? You say you do not have a baking sheet? But I listed it in the ingred-- okay, fine, fine. Just triple up on the foil and proceed.) 

[Pro-tip: Aluminum foil may be sold as "aluminium foil" in the UK and former British colonies. Do not be fooled -- it is still aluminum foil. In other countries, you are probably not going to get very far on the squash-buying thing anyway so I will not bother translating those for you.

8. The oven should be hot by now, unless you forgot to turn it on. (If you forgot to turn, repeat step 4. But do not accidentally get so caught up in following the steps that you cut the squash into quarters and perhaps even remove seeds that do not exist.) Put the baking sheet (or triple-layered foil) into the oven.

9. Let things sit for thirty (30) minutes. Take a quick nap during this time (set an alarm!) or prepare the rest of your dinner, which I assume you will be heating up in the microwave.

10. Check on the squash. Do not be scared. It is not that hard to do. Please calm down. I will tell you exactly what to look for. Remove the baking sheet/foil/squash combo from the oven, preferably using oven mitts or a folded towel or a high tolerance for pain. Take a fork (you do have a fork, right? I did not list that in the ingredients section either.) and stick in the squash flesh. If the fork goes all the way through with relative ease, move on to step 11. If not, put the sheet/foil/squash back in the oven. (Alternately, lose your cool and forget the whole thing.)

11. Place squash halves flesh side-up back on the foil/sheet. Put a generous dab of butter (or a tsp or so of olive oil) in each half. Rub it around with your hands to coat the flesh. (Ouch! I should have told you to use a spoon to rub it, but I was feeling vindictive after we went through all the yelling about checking on the squash. I know that is not the right answer. But I have feelings too. Fine. Be angry. I will just wait here while the squash gets cold. Okay then.) 

12. Put a lump of brown sugar in each half. Rub it around -- yes, with a spoon this time -- until it gets melty. (Yes, melty is a technical cooking term. What would you know anyway?!)

13. Place squash back in oven, using the foil and/or baking sheet in the manner that you have used it throughout the recipe. (No, not as a funny hat!) Bake for a few minutes. What is that? How many is a few? A few is a few is a few. Okay, 3.72 minutes exactly. Or else it will explode.

14. Remove from oven. Eat, preferably using a spoon.

15. Recoil in pain because you did not let the squash cool down. Drink cold water while you let the squash cool down.

16. Eat again, this time with great gusto and excessive "yum"-type noise-making.


[ Next time on "Idiot's Recipe": oh, let's just eat out. ]

Ginger Masala Lentil and Barley Stew

Need a hearty side dish? Need an easy, healthful meal?  My Ginger Masala Lentil & Barley Stew takes 30 minutes to make and gives you a delicious, flavorful food without having to do much more than rinse a few legumes.

The stew is not very attractive. Here is a photo of pretty rambutans instead.

One key element in interesting, creative cooking is spices. You can liven up a boring dish with an unconventional combination of spices. Combine flavors from different cuisines and you can feel like a chef at a mediocre fusion restaurant -- all in the comfort of your own home. For the Ginger Masala Lentil & Barley Stew, I have drawn elements from Cape Muslim and Thai cooking.  Stock up in Cape Town at the Atlas Trading Co. in the Bo-Kaap or Komati Foods in Obs if you are missing some of the spices below.

Ginger Masala Lentil & Barley Stew (serves 4)
1/2 cup dried red split lentils
1/2 cup dried barley
1 tbsp dried split peas
1 tbsp dried oat groats (optional)

2.5 cups water
1 or 2 tsp masala spice mix of your choice
1/2 tsp ground fennel
1/4 tsp ground allspice
1/4 tsp ground cinnamon
2 dried k-word lime leaves (Thai specialty!)
Small piece chopped fresh ginger

1 white onion, chopped
2-4 cloves garlic, coarsely chopped
Extra seasonings: salt, pepper, squeeze of lemon, hot sauce, olive oil

Directions
1. Rinse dried legumes and grains. Place in medium or large pot.
2. Add water and bring to boil.
3. Meanwhile, in a separate pan, fry up coarsely chopped onions and garlic.
3. Add spices, lime leaves, and onions and garlic to main pot. (And biltong -- see Pro Tip below.)
4. Simmer for 25-30 minutes. Check in on stew every so often. Say hello.
5. Add salt, pepper, hot sauce, olive oil, and lemon to taste.

Enjoy in any number of ways. I recommend topping individual portions with seeds, crushed nuts, cheese, or a fried egg.

[ Pro tip: Add a few slices of fatty biltong with your spices to add serious depth. ]